Sustainability Director hops off the fence—Massachusetts, Age 32

I originally posted a version of the story below to the Reddit’s forum, r/fencesitter, for people “on the fence” about having children. A raw, vulnerable discussion followed, then several commenters and I were permanently banned from the sub with no explanation.

Other threads have since raised concerns about climate change, and the comments allowed to remain focus on reassurances and optimism. I’m testifying here out of frustration that we have no better outlet for honest discussion.

For years, I identified as a fencesitter for the common reasons of not wanting to lose freedom, not wanting to compromise my body, not really enjoying spending time with other peoples’ kids, not feeling that pull toward motherhood, fearing social isolation, only feeling equipped to raise a neurotypical child, enjoying sleeping in, etc. The negatives are tangible and social media posts about parental exhaustion were very in-my-face. After years of teetering on this fence, I’ve concluded that these are mostly fear-based aversions that I could work out.

Until recently, I struggled to envision the actual benefits of parenthood. I have a responsible, communicative husband who is incredible with kids, who wants children but could see a fulfilling life either way. Bizarrely, these points have risen to the surface as the most compelling reasons for me to want kids:

• We got a pet last year, and watching him learn the basics of gravity/mirrors/water faucets, playing with him, and caring for him with my partner has made home life SO warm and fulfilling and fun. I once heard someone compare watching their toddler develop to watching a dog learn to talk. (Then this dog–who you already love so much–dresses up as a teapot in a play, then learns to converse, tell jokes, write letters, cook creative recipes.) I think the experience of raising a child with my partner (him, specifically!) would bring an intense richness to life.

• My family is very small and I don’t have a lot of close relationships in my life. I cherish the idea of having years and years of time together, building up inside jokes, building a new close relationship with family that is mine.

Based only on my personal situation, I’d like to have a child. However, my personal situation exists in a broader context.

My career is focused on climate change. I’m drained professionally and personally from dealing with people who don’t take it seriously enough. I do not believe we’ll see the policy and technological advancements that we need to avoid catastrophic impacts. Every day I encounter reminders that we are not on track to meet publicly touted goals. Energy utilities greenwash their “carbon neutral by 2050” plans reliant on nonexistent technologies on infeasible timelines.

The IPCC report last year called climate change a “code red for humanity” and the next phase of the report concluded that impacts are worse than expected, and happening more quickly. If every country achieves the carbon reductions they promised (spoiler: they won’t), we’re still on track for too-high emissions. 60% of scientists that contributed to the IPCC reports believe we’ll see more than 3 degrees C of warming–this is extinction level shit.

Climate change is not about a few inches of sea level rise and more storms. We’re on track for widespread, chronic water and food insecurity, on a scale that is hard to fathom. Among the devastating ecological impacts, our inability to consistently grow enough food or access water will lead to large-scale resource conflicts.

It’s been difficult reading misinformed advice on Reddit. Example: “the world needs the next generation to fight climate change” is a fine idea, but by the time any new baby is a teenager, we’ll have blown past fast-approaching ecological tipping points.

More comments from this forum: “there have always been bad times” and “you don’t know what the future will bring” and “we’ll figure it out–you have to have hope” and “make decisions on your personal situation, not based off what the news media tells you.”

Climate change is different. Climate change is not “news media” – it’s science, and we need to face the reality that the world that any new human enters today is going to be inconceivably different, even for wealthy babies in western countries.

This poses an ethical question. Do I want to be a parent so badly that I’ll knowingly bring life into an increasingly inhospitable planet?

(Another ethical question relates to introducing life that will contribute more greenhouse gas emissions to the planet. I put this point in parentheses only because I’m first trying to work things through from a personal level. And because folks are quick to blame who is at fault, which is irrelevant to this decision.)

While I’m not alone in reaching this conclusion, I’m so sad that climate change is why I think I’m stepping off the fence as childfree. Part of me wants the (blissful? Willful?) ignorance to assume humanity will simply prevail, and have a child. Because it’s a “doom and gloom” topic, it’s been an isolating experience to worry deeply about climate change in the real world around people who assume life will more or less go on like it has been. When I get the confidence to confide in friends, I’m met with ill-informed counter-arguments and dismissed as pessimistic. Every new baby announcement has me all at once judgmental, grieving, and yearning for hope.

I want to change my mind and have a baby. I will, if we find a magical technological solution to decarbonize in the next five years. I will, if ecology adapts faster than we expected and our oceans and soils can be healthy. I will, if I can find honest hope for the future of life on our home planet.